Bad Week

It’s not a good week for me.
It’s pretty much the start of rock bottom. Again.

I just want to be a together self sufficient independent person. Once I get there I know I’ll be so happy and so able to give so much more of me to others.

I suppose the only thing I can do is try harder to get to that place sooner.

I just need to not panic, like I usually
do.

Northport Pier

On slated wood that ends
Under a roof without walls
Surrounded by
Water
It was the Sound
Of Long Island
The jellyfish
Came in
They looked
Pretty dead
Clear and yet purple
And moving
Yet unable
But it was all
Beautiful
Because
We saw them
With our sets
Of brown
And blue.
We loved it as a show
That nature often is
And it’s not so
Different
From an open
casket.

Too many thoughts To Keep

I’m on some type of mute
I shake out
Look around
And go back in

I feel conditioned
I’m almost happy here

But inside almost
Is where hell is born

When you’re me, you’ll understand

I don’t dream of diamond rings
I don’t dream of over the top weddings
I hardly care too much for fashion these days. I admire but try not to be a consumer. I don’t dream of love the way I used to or passion. It’s beautiful when it’s big, when its that big giant feeling bubbling up inside of you. But it is fleeting. You could chase it your entire life. It’s a drug. The real love is the quiet kind that you learn to respect, the kind that sees you everyday…and doesn’t mind being around, it’s just the type of thing when everyone leaves your someone will stay. I suppose to stay is to love to me. I don’t dream of big mansions, I’d be happy with a simple sweet home, I don’t dream of traveling the world, I wouldn’t mind it but I know how to find adventure here inside myself. I do dream of peace. I do dream of healing. I do dream of being alone. I dream of being safe. I dream of being myself. I dream about ideas & thoughts I haven’t yet thought. I dream about writing one great something. I dream about home office spaces. I dream about the day I no longer have clutter, the day I no longer have anything that isn’t completely necessary. I dream about the day I make enough money to fully & completely support myself with a little bit extra to do nice things for my friends & family. I dream of no debt, I dream of no rent. I dream too short and too practical. I dream to one day dream bigger.

A blizzard

Its always a way to say goodbye
There is white in the dark
It is vague and obvious
It all runs the same course
When you are alone
Because you aren’t
But you own it
Your pocket
Never
Holds
Important
Things
Like you
Want
It
To
You
Keep
Everything
Under
Your
Skin
You
Have
To
Feel
It
When
It
Breaks
You.

Spaz literally I’m a super Spaz

I’m completely incapable of having a normal human response to anything resembling an “interview process” ..

To Be Continued..

Thoughts

I purposely close myself off and don’t share thoughts and feelings with people. Even close friends & family. I like to filter things before I ever opt to share. So I wind up sharing very little. Here. I let it out more. I thought it might help me feel better but it makes me feel a little weird still. Kind of like being tipsy. This blog is slightly drunk with thoughts. Maybe blogging isn’t for everyone. It might not be for me. I don’t know yet.

I just feel weird that at almost 30 years of age I still feel like I’m burdening others if I talk about myself/problems thoughts or feelings. I just stay on surface level unless I’m invited to share, and even then I might not really share unless I’m certain that person really wants to know or actually cares.

It bothers me that I am this way. I should be able to just talk about whatever and not worry so much about others.

Esp. because I am always ready to listen to others and generally have great compassion towards others when they explain challenges or problems they face in their life. So I really don’t know what my problem is.

As always, I’m just thinking too much.